Let me preface this with the fact that, in my mind, sad is pathetic.
I feel sad. Sad for my son and all the things he has been through and all the things he's missing out on. A Dad, his dad. A "real" family. A second person who loves him more than life itself. I'm sad for myself and all the things I've been through and all the things I'm missing out on. I'm sad because I only have half of my heart. Dave stole the rest of it...half of my heart...and worse, it means nothing to him.
Like the time my purse was stolen and all I wanted back was the pictures I had just taken of some amazing thing I'd just done with Hayden that I cant even remember now because I don't have the S.D card that cost about 20 dollars. Those car jackers got my wallet, $75, my cell phone with all my contacts in it, my camera...and my fucking S.D card with the pictures of my son on it. They probably just deleted them and started new. The one thing I cared about meant nothing at all to them. Just like my heart to Dave. Nothing at all.
Even more tragic is the fact that I gave him half, only half, and never a drop more. Part of me wanted to hand it over with reckless abandon and I tried. I tried SO hard, and half was all I could ever do. Like all the half relationships I formed after him, he got half. I think it was the good half at least because I cared, a lot, and I tried so hard. But unlike him, the others never had a whole shot because I only had one half left to give. Here today, I live, I breathe, with just half. How can I get it back?
Can you wish, or pray, or dream hard enough to get back the missing pieces? Because I'd like to. I'd like to be a whole person again someday instead of this weak, crumbly shell with the pretty face always trying to smile. I smile because I'm afraid if I cry I'll never stop and the water will boil up in me until it pours out the cracks. I'm like Humpty frickin Dumpty. All the kings horses and all the kings men couldn't put me back together again.
I want it back, because I can never really try with anyone, ever, if I don't get it back. But I really dont want it back...you know? And that makes it worse. I can't choose. Should I try to get it back, or try to let it go?
This whole post is fucking pathetic, and that makes me really sad.
2 comments:
It's not pathetic,and it makes perfect sense. But a heart is like a starfish...it can regenerate. It may not look the same, but it can be whole again. I am absolutely certain of this.
I totally agree with Becca Boo Jen. this is why there are commandments, made by God himself! I am learning this too :) If we followed our fathers teachings we wouldn't be here where we are. If we would have made those suckers wait, to show us real love, that they cared enough for half our hearts, we would be standing her with whole hearts, husbands, and fathers for our amazing sons! But its too late to go back, all you can do it learn, grow, and remember God has a plan for you! I just read today in Genesis 29 Verse 18-21 the story of Jacob Marries Rachel. He works for 14 years on her fathers land to earn her family's trust and her hand in marriage! Now that is LOVE! One day we will find a wonderful man, that will make us happy, and love us, marry us, and be wonderful fathers to our children. Until then, know God loves you, truly loves you!
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