Monday, July 11, 2011

Ok Yeah I'm Scared...AND!?!

Ok, this one is a bit hard for me to admit because I strongly identify with the words brave and fearless, but ok yeah I'm scared. Scared to let go and scared not to. Scared of the past repeating itself in the future. Scared to trust anyone too much, or count on anyone too much, or lean into anyone too much. Better to stand tall and strong on my own two feet. Better to burrow my head in too much "busy" for hopes and dreams and all that silliness which leads to heartache and misery. I have enough of all that already.
Boldness is a quality I admire in myself, and I'm not sure when this chicken shit crawled into my heart and took root but I don't like it, I don't want to face it, I would just like for it to go away. Far far away so I can try things with my whole heart, with more than my body, and even with parts of my soul. Yes, that poor thing is tattered like a quilt that's been pulled in all directions trying with all it's made of to comfort everyone in the near vacinity. It's wholy and weak but still intact, definitely not broken, just a little neglected and a touch left behind. Very much worthy, deserving and in need of some TLC. Just like the rest of me.
So, boldly I go, off in the direction towards healing. And for the record, it's good to be scared. It means you still have something to lose.

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