Fear Less

This evening, I wept as I read the following words which, for almost a year have been stashed away in a folder of old feelings. I came upon them by mere happenstance, and am shocked to discover how overwhelming they still are, after nearly a year of lying low.

Lonely doesn't begin to cover it
I'm scared. Of lots of things really; the dark when I'm walking alone through it, failing at something new, anything to do with change, losing things I care about, not being in control of my life. Right now, all those things are happening to me at once. Tomorrow, I have to carry my baby into a sterile room, empty of everything including love, lay him on the table, and leave without him. I don't think I can, but I have to. I know that lonlely doesn't begin to cover the emptiness that will take his place. I miss him already! I never want him be so far away that he cant' see me whenever he wants to, so far that I can't hear him laugh or cry. So far that I can't touch him at all. I never want a tear to fall from his beautiful eyes that I can't kiss away. But I know that, as scared as I might be, I have to believe...to have faith...everything will be okay. Everything is happening now for a reason. I trust in that. And I trust that, when my baby needs me more than he ever has, and I can't be there with him...God will be. When I should be able to hold his little hand and kiss his little lips and rub his little nose against mine, God will reach down from heaven and give him an even more special touch. God is gonna wrap his mighty hand around Haydens tiny heart and let the doctors here heal it. And that means everything. In the end, isn't that worth facing fear?

April 25th of last year, my whole world lay in the crummy hand of cards I was hours away from laying on the table. Seems like yesterday, and yet...when I brought my little miracle in for his one year photos and upon removal of his shirt the photographer asked if he'd had some operation...it took me a moment to remember.

Of course, yes. He has. I have by no means forgotten. But Haydens dimples, his devilish laughter, and his double chin no longer remind me of how small and frail he once was. If anything, he seems more than ever bound and determined to prove that nothing can stop him.
Hell, these days I'd settle for slowing him down. I guess that's expecting a lot from a kid who wanted to wrestle two days after open heart surgery. Some things never change.

Still, with time, most things do. These days, I worry over bumped heads and temper tantrums instead of weight gain and test results. Maybe on the rare occassion that he sleeps too long my brain assumes the worst, but I no longer fear daily that my baby might not get the chance to grow up. Nothing like an early near death experience to mellow out the high strung.

I listed a handful of fears in the beginning of last years blog that barely tipped the iceberg of the ones hidden in my heart. Yet even that number seems small considering I can't even begin to count the number of "fear not's" written in the bible. Which leads me to the belief that God wishes us to be unafraid. To claim myself fearless would be nothing less than a lie, but I try harder each day to fear less.